I had a moment this evening as I was blending up some cucumber and carrot juice. After having realized a few of the friends I had been expecting tonight for a light gathering were either running late, or had things come up - I decided to call off the whole arrangement to be all alone with myself. Did I even want see anyone tonight in the first place? Was I using people as a distraction to keep myself away being with my thoughts? Do I even like being around people anymore?
It might come across as dramatic, but my next thought was to kill myself. Before I let that thought sink in, I turned the blender to max speed.
These days, everything has been happening in weird spurts. I go through enlightenment, rage, peace, melancholy, and numbness all in a matter of minutes.
It’s almost as though every ingredient has been thrown in the blender, and nothing tastes distinguishable for one and other. What am I? Who am I? What is this confused spatter of emotions I’m feeling?
One thing is for sure, I am not liking who I am morphing into.
Just a moment ago, a mutual friend of my ex-girlfriend messaged me to tell me that I need to first and foremost invest in myself. A message that was meant to counter my adage about continuing to give love even when you need it yourself so desperately.
How dare she? Don’t you realize how much I’m struggling to keep it together right now? Why are you criticizing me as you’re still in talks with my ex-girlfriend - the girl who I felt so bad for, that i introduced the two of you so that she wouldn’t be all by herself and forlorn in Queens. Why have you never asked me how I was doing in 5 months?
In my mind, I flipped over a table.
I ended up deleting my comment, and hers all together. After a moment of stillness, I started rubbing my forehead telling myself “Dude. Everyone just wants the best for you. Nobody is trying to criticize you”.
These spastic outbursts that come out of seemingly nowhere - How the hell do I make them go away? I feel like I’m sinking further and further into a pit of quicksand that’s becoming impossible for me to envision a way out.
Do I keep being forcing myself to be around people, or do I temporarily isolate and dive deep within.
Or is there a sweet spot that I have yet to discover?
Maybe a way to not give so much to others, but also love them more at the same time?
Is there a way to do that?
I just want my old self back.
(Originally published January 14, 2018)