The most significant turning points are always based on the tiniest of decisions. We tinker away, attempting to decode the complicated equations of our lives - all with the hopes of achieving the ultimate answer. Often, the inclination is to uproot the entire formula and plug in a new one. But it’s usually the most minute variation in the method that sets the bar straight, and in my case, that tiny decision comes in the form of taking a small pill called Celexa.
For the first time in 10 months, I feel the fog has finally lifted.
I’m not sure why it took so long. You would think after almost an entire year of insecurity, self-doubt, and severe mistrust of humanity, that I would open up to the idea of seeking help. Anti-depressants after all had been a godsend during my panic disorders in high school, and insomnia later in college - so why the resistance now?
When we’re hurting, our pain not only numbs our sense of self, but also distorts our perception of the entire world. We don’t have a sense of how far we’ve dug ourselves in, until we’re finally pulled out into broad day light again.
I’m currently sitting at a coffee shop in the East Village wondering how every little thing that was picking away at me a week prior have suddenly become a distant relic of the past. I no longer feel like a slave to the monkey on my back. I can breathe with ease and approach every new experience with the best foot forward.
For some, pharmaceuticals are kind of an oxymoron. The very medication that’s intended to solve a problem, is said to fabricate other problems. That there are more natural alternatives to what the doctors will prescribe away to their patients. I admit, It’s hard not to be a little deterred when this type of propaganda looms in the back of one’s mind. But even for those of us who the medication actually does wonders for, a trace amount of guilt seeps in for not prescribing to more new-age friendly options.
If I have to use an analogy, it feels a bit like eating a snickers bar to curb your sweet tooth when an orange or an apple would be a more obvious option. But man, at the same time, there is nothing like a snickers bar. Maybe it’s not best to compare candies and fruits together.
But for those of you who are going through a difficult time and feeling as though you don’t need to be medicated. Let me just remind you that this isn’t permanent. I think many of us are discouraged to start taking pills because we erroneously believe that they will define who we are. That couldn’t be more further from the truth. It’s better to view these supplements as a temporary form of relief until an equilibrium is reclaimed. After that happens, it’s up to you, depending on how you feel of course, whether you want to continue or not.
In a way, it does feel a bit like cheating. Like entering in a secret code to a video game where you’re invincible for 30 seconds. Why can’t I beat the level on my own? But at the same time, life is far too short to waste it away struggling to beat the same level over and over again. If the magic mushroom presents itself, take it without hesitation. Maybe the mushroom is necessary for to beat this level, so you can be on your own for the next one.
(Originally published April 27th, 2018)