Do you have a salvation?
These days, dancing is my sole lifeline. It doesn’t matter where I am. A coffee shop, on the pavement, the dance floor, or as I’m taking orders from my boss. Whether he likes it or not - I’m going to move. Whether you like it or not - I’m gonna keep moving. I will no longer silence that impulse. The impulse to move. To push, contort, and extend my body in ways that it has never experienced before. With every new stretch, a new wave of emotions come over - cleansing me - bit by bit - of the impurities that have accumulated inside of me throughout the course of the last year.
On this dance floor - at Nublu on Avenue C - I am the king. And my soul is healing.
(I remember last week) I step out of the club to smoke a cigarette in hopes of a momentary isolation, only to be met with a streak of high-fives by strangers who only wish, that they had 1/10th of the freedom, and liberation that I radiate in that club. I’m free like a dove. Flailing as smoothly as a piece of leaf carried out by an autumn breeze. That’s how I dance. Or rather, move. Dancing sounds too much like child’s play in comparison to the what my body actually manages to achieve.
It’s extremely ironic. The guy who once dismissed this form of expression as an inexplicable recreational activity - suddenly becomes the one immersed in it. I guess I was holding back something that I didn’t even realize I was holding back - all these years. For so long.
The very thing that I never, ever thought that I could do. I’m not only doing - but also, achieving truer results - and more impactful expressions than anyone else around me.
When I wake up the next day, despite how many Lagunitas IPAs I had to drink - I don’t feel so bad. Yeah, there are still some days when I get sad. And those are always the days when I think about her. But for the most part, I feel ok. Because no matter how things are in this moment, there will come a time - later on this day - when the sun goes down again, and the music lits through the PA system of that cavernous club on Avenue C. And, there you will find me. The forlorn stranger. Sweating his tears through every part of the body except his own eyes. Achieving a strange form of nirvana through the most basic, and common outlet of expression - one’s own body. My new secret.
As long as I have that to look forward to. Everything else seems trivial and insignificant in comparison. Although I must admit, had I discovered this new dimension of myself 5 years ago, I don’t know what would have been the thing to save me now. If not dancing, maybe something else. Or maybe nothing at all. Perhaps, some lifelines are best saved for later.
(Originally Published May 27th, 2018)