A year ago today - my world collapsed.
To make a laundry list seems in poor taste, so I’ll refrain. Everything I had taken for granted - including my love for humanity - all vanished in an instant. For the next 8 months, I became an angry, bitter, and distrustful person. I sought help, but nothing helped. Every time I reached for something, I went down even further.
There were some extraordinary people along the way, but the fog in my mind stretched too far. As months wore on, I became deathly depressed. I couldn’t breathe at night without suffocating in shame. I was deeply traumatized.
Then it changed.
In April, I started to dance.
Taking a friend’s advice, I went to Nublu - a night club filled with the most positive sounds, from all over the world. And the nicest people. There, I began to dance like never before. Every. Single. Night. Until 6am in the morning. Those watching me thought I was crazy. I looked possessed. But I didn’t care - I was talking to God. Contorting my soul in ways unimaginable. With every new stretch, I felt a wave washing over, and cleansing me of the impurities inside my soul.
For the first time since my beautiful childhood, I began to feel free. My third eye opened - and I began to see everything, and everyone around me as it were. I started to feel both blessed, and invincible.
Then my father died.
Suicide? I don’t know. At this point, I don’t care. He was my favorite person in the entire world - and now he isn’t here anymore.
Nothing matters. This is all an illusion. Let’s just dance.
I had a choice to make. Do I step back into the bottom of the well, or live the rest of my life in celebration? I chose the latter.
Today, I praise the death of my father - for sacrificing himself to grant me strength.
I am so happy he died.
In the months leading up to his death, we had the most incredible conversations. He imparted to me the most valuable lessons - lessons that are now etched in gold inside my heart.
On our final phone conversation, I told him of the famous actor who was helping mürmur. He was so damn proud. And then we both cracked a joke about killing ourselves - and said goodbye. Two days later, he was gone.
Today, I am the happiest person ever. For those of you who’ve been following mürmur - via video, or audio - you may have noticed a shift in tone. These conversations are transcendental. Yes, even Holy dare I say. Every time I mürmur, I feel my body going to a new dimension. These conversations are sacred. Even if they involve blowjobs, and anal sex. I’m beginning a new chapter in my life where I’m finally creating the best work - and I will continue to do so until it impacts the world.
With that being said - my landlord is not renewing my lease. Gee, I wonder why? But no worries. I’m positive that mürmur will find a new home, and continue to operate in the East Village. I’m not sad. I’m embracing the unexpected. This is the life I’ve chosen to live - and it’s the life that I’m living.
My purpose here is to be a positive influence on all of you, and to remind you to be happy in the face of adversary. To be accepting and loving of one and other. To learn to look in the face of darkness and laugh - instead of succumbing. And the moment you forget, just listen to a recent episode of mürmur.
I receive messages from people who I’ve never met, telling me how much comfort the show gives them. How much it alleviates their loneliness. If I can do that for one of you, then it’s worth being of service for the rest of my life.
(Originally Published 8/22/18)