It’s been a strange month away from mürmur. New girlfriend, new job, new apartment. A lot of news! And until now - not much time to stop and reflect on it all.
So it’s nice to share this moment with all of you, as I ask myself -
“What is going on?”
I’m finally settled into my new place - and boy, is it nice. For the first time since moving to New York - I’ve found my true safe haven. This is a place where I can relax, and continue on with my life’s calling - hopefully, this time outside of the radar of my current landlord.
With that being said, did I mention that this apartment is - really nice? So nice, that - I kind of can’t stand it. Like how one feels when unboxing a new iPhone. The device is so shiny, and slick - that it’s almost above you. You seldom use it, because you fear tarnishing it’s purity. As a result, you deprive yourself of the actual functionality of the device - the reason why you bought it in the first place.
It’s kind of how I feel about this apartment. I haven’t benefitted from it just yet, but I know that I will, eventually. I’m just waiting for the novelty of the “new” to wear off.
Though, I do think back to this summer - and how much I accomplished. The irony was the condition of my apartment - which was a complete pigsty. A total dump. I mean, it’s tragic to the degree in which I let go of that apartment. Had it been a kid, child welfare agents would have certainly taken it out of my hands. It was heavily neglected - even if it was just a room in a building.
Strangely, in that mess - I did accomplish a lot. Not having an inch of space to relax, or call my own - forced me to work. And that’s what I did. For an entire summer, I focused 100% on mürmur. The surmounting garbage only fueled my drive to work even harder. And perhaps, if I did work just hard enough, I could transport myself - to some place better. Physically, or mentally. It did not matter. It only mattered that I kept momentum. And if I spared a few hours to clean the apartment, then what? Become so complacent that I cease to work? My filth became my excuse to keep sprinting.
Now here I am - in a tidy room, filled with space and a lot of breathing room - and a head full of nothing. I’m out of ideas, but only for a moment. Perhaps this isn’t so much a loss of momentum as it is an opportunity to shift gears. When we become beholden to a very specific way of doing things - especially for an unhealthy amount of time - it prevents us from seeing the full picture. Yes I was completely invested in my work, but at the expense of impacting my relationships with those around me. I lost a girlfriend because I didn’t have a bed frame, my best friend wouldn’t come to my apartment because he was too afraid to take a shit in my toilet.
So maybe this is the era of bed frames and clean toilets. A new chapter of my life. It might take a moment of getting adjusted to - and maybe these things will hinder my creative flow for a hot second.. But it takes a new setting to invoke new inspirations. So whatever momentum I had in my previous apartment, that’s been lessened by the move - will only be accelerated by my current struggle.
The struggle of a clean home. My new norm. My new foundation of inspiration, and source of comfort.
(Originally Published 10/29/18)