A pill a day until I’m better again - and now I am. In 6 months, I’ve pieced myself back to being a human again. It wasn’t easy, but now I’m here. And I’m very elated for it. But to be honest - it wasn’t just me - Celexa helped me out a lot as well.
I think of all the people who have to go through an arsenal of drugs before finding the right one. And, I found mine right from the get-go. Like love at first sight - high school sweethearts kind of thing. My beautiful, Celexa. But - we’re now due for a separation. We got everything we need from of each other, so it’s time to move forward. For both of us - at least for now.
In hindsight, it all feels a bit of a blur. All the blues from the past year. The never ending stretches of cold winter weeks that assured me - I had gone permanently gray.
All of it seems like a fantasy now. Like a dream that never was. Did it all really happen in this life time? The pain that seemed so permanent, is now just dust floating in the air.
I now understand these drugs much better - what they’re designed for. How they act as mind erasers - like the devices you see in “Men In Black” or “The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. Gadgets designed to limit the memory in such a fashion, that everything becomes - ephemeral. No thought outlives it’s welcome. Everything you would normally ruminate on, suddenly becomes fleeting - like the coming and going of the wind. You feel your skin prickle from the cold, but you don’t obsess over the sensation. Before thoughts can elevate themselves to unnecessary heights, you’ve already moved onto the next one. In a way, it’s extremely liberating. Especially for those of us who have a tendency to over-think and beat ideas in our heads to death.
As I watched the trailer for the recent Queen biopic - I wandered what it must be like to perform in front of 100,000 people. While Freddie is famous for turning the occasion into an effortless display of machismo and confidence - it’s not natural for others, or ordinary people, to be put under such pressure. Especially an undertaking as colossal as performing in a soccer stadium with a million eyes darted on you. But that’s exactly what seems to have happened to us. While few of us will go on to performing in stadiums for a living, the pressures of today’s disconnected, and fast paced society - has made it so that working at Burger King is just as pressure-ridden as rocking the Wembley Stadium.
We have collectively pushed ourselves to the degree of Freddie Mercury, and we don’t even know how we got here. Not everyone is meant to be a rockstar, so why do we all suddenly harbor the pressure of one? How can the common man live in such a state without some form of numbing agent? The easy answer is meditation - blah blah blah. But listen. This is beyond meditation. This is - this is what has come of the world. It’s hard to reverse the beast. We’ve pushed it to such a place that it’s almost impossible to live on it without being a little medicated. And that’s - sad.
But just as we have unconsciously pushed the world to such a state, perhaps there is a way to revert it to a better equilibrium - so we don’t all have to take drugs to get by. But that’s an answer for another episode, I’ll let you come up with that one on your own.
As for me, I wonder how long I’ll manage to play the Wembley stadium without my crutch. How many songs into the set - until I beckon one of the roadies for it. Now that I think about it, I’m almost certain Freddie Mercury was on drugs too. Even rockstars are human. Even rockstars need to forget.
(Originally Published 11/28/18)